I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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