Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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