my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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