I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
