We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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