The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
