friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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