I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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