Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
