How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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