i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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