Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
