I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
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I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
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