I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
