it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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