If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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