Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
