We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
