I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
