***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
