You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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