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I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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