I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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