Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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