considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
As shirtless as possible
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
