My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
