My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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