Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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