please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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