watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
