ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
how does that bad decision feel?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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