hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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