I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
