hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
