haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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