I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
