Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
