Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
