I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
