I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
