I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
