His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
