so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
