Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
