People in love make me want to vomit
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
