I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
