Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
