Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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