I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sober January is a disaster.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
