so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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