be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
