I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
