When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
