I want to make a zoo with you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
