I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
