swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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