There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He better not be in your backpack
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
